First and foremost, I must apologize for screwing up the title all these years. Turns out it’s spelled ALCOHAULIN’ ASS, not ALCOHOL AND ASS like I thought. I probably misspelled ALCOHOL more times than I can count as well, but the important thing is I learned. So yeah, that’s my mistake. Now let’s talk about HELLYEAH’s mistakes.
Right now, I’m amazed by two things:
1. That it took me two years to get to this one.
2. That HELLYEAH, or at least HELLYEAH’s label thought this would be a good single.
This song actually doesn’t get all that much airplay. It’s like every now and then, the guys in charge of putting together the playlists are going through the songs, and find this song is hanging around, and are all like “Hmm, haven’t heard this in a while.” Then they let the DJ play it, and if they’re anything like me, they remember why it wasn’t played all that often, and encourage the DJ to replace it with more AC/DC. So yeah, it’s airplay is infrequent. Seems like every time I think of complaining about it being overplayed, it disappears for months at a time. Then I forget about it, and move on to whatever stupidity 5 Finger Death Punch or whatever is playing. Then out of nowhere, it starts playing again! The only reason I even bother with it now is that this is one of those periods where it showed up on the air again, and I had one other thing on my SISOH list at the moment. Considering I owe this one a thorough bitching at, I might as well cover it.
HELLYEAH is another well known sufferer of Stone Sour Syndrome. I explained what that was a couple weeks ago, but just in case you don’t feel like back tracking, S3 is when a band feels compelled to make the absolute worst song on the album their single. Every other song on the album kicks ass, but that one track is a horrible misrepresentation of their style. It earned its name when Stone Sour hit the airwaves with “Bother”: a song that was pure weapons grade emo before emo became an official subgenre. Up until “Blood for Blood”, HELLYEAH had similar problems.
However, while “Hell of a Time”, and “You Wouldn’t Know” were just dull tunes that really didn’t leave a good or bad impression, “Alcohaulin’ Ass” has got to be the single dumbest song I’ve heard in years. And I’m a fan of Psychostick, so I know a thing or two about dumb songs.
Let’s get this much straight: I don’t mind “good ol’ boy”, “let’s get drunk and party” kind of rock. It doesn’t appeal to me specifically, but there are a couple of songs in that category that aren’t without charm. This, however, isn’t one of those songs.
It amazes me that someone pitched this to the rest of the band, and the rest of the band all nodded in agreement and said, “Oh man, we totally have to make this a song.” Last time I heard lyrics this bad, Jackyl’s “Screwdriver” was being plowed into the pavement. But at least “Screwdriver” was funny. You know, for about the first minute or so. Then it got a bit repetitive, and the joke was dead before the song had a chance to end. This, on the other hand, doesn’t even have that going for it. This song is officially the undisputed champion of stupid, hands down.
Songs like this are what I site as a damn good reason why services like WinMX, pre-monthly fee era Napster, and Limewire were the greatest things to happen to music. Because I refuse to pay actual money for something as sucky as this song. If you’re not going to put any effort into making something that can hold my attention for three to four minutes, I don’t see why I should pay money for it. Even $0.99 off of iTUNES seems like a lot to pay for something as stupid as this song.
While “You Wouldn’t Know” gave me hope that maybe HELLYEAH had potential and was just working out the bugs in this first album, “Alcohaulin’ Ass” convinced me for many years that HELLYEAH wasn’t worth the effort. If this is the kind of pathetic song writing I can expect from a band comprised of the singer for Mudvayne, the drummer for Pantera, and Nothingface filling every other available slot, then this is just sad. Nothingface was an awesome band! pantera were fucking legends! Mudvayne… Well… They were getting better. “LD50″ was fucking awful, but “The End of All Things to Come” and “Lost and Found” (or at least the stuff I heard from “Lost and Found” anyway) were about five steps forward. And you’re going to tell me that this was the best song on the album? This was worth making a single? This was something you’re proud of? You actually want to play this track at every concert? Perhaps sticking with Avenged Sevenfold for a few more years isn’t such a bad idea after all.
Then again, what the fuck do I know about good music? My favorite band at the moment features a vocalist dressing like the demon pope, and the entire playlist sounds like a satanic Grateful Dead. It could just be a matter of taste, and a matter of me being a snob anymore. Never the less, I fucking hate this song, and I wouldn’t miss it if it disappeared from the air forever.