If you’ve never heard of LostProphets… Yeah, you aren’t missing much. I remember when these guys first hit the scene back in 2000. The critical reaction varied, but I remember words like derivative, uninspired, adequate, pollished turd, and incubus ripoff floating around a lot. Sad to say, around fifteen years later, I can safely say that I get where they got that. Especially as far as the one and only LostProphets album I’ve ever owned comes in.
You know, I try to stay open-minded, and generally neutral in the beginning. However, the more I listen to this relic from my teen years, the more I have to question my teenage self’s taste in music. Sure, I’m aware of the fact raprock, or at least rock with a lot of hiphop elements incorporated into it was the popular sound of the late 90s early 00s. Hell, I own up to liking a lot of bands from that era even today. LostProphets… Isn’t one of them. In fact, I’m officially wondering how the fucking fucker fuck this even ended up in my collection in the first place.
Incubus, whether they were aware of it or not, were a sort of trendsetter in the early 2000s. The trend didn’t last very long, mind you, but for a couple years, if you wanted to be popular, imitating Incubus seemed to be the way to go. And this was the path LostProphets took with their debut album, “Thefakesoundofprogress”. Also, those guys really needed to learn what a fucking space bar was. That, or they were extremely ahead of their time, and predicted hashtags in a day and age where Geocities both still existed, and served as the gold standard for vanity pages.
I found this relic of my teen years somewhere around November, and have been listening to it off and on since. Partly because I was going to include it in a video version of this series that ultimately never panned out, but mostly because I was in disbelief that I’d ever own something like this willingly. Part of me is still convinced I borrowed this from a friend in high school, never returned it, and probably never will return on the count I severed my ties to about ninety percent of my old high school clique.
And now, I’ll listen to it one last time to provide material for a review series enjoyed by absolutely no one. Because I’m bored as hell.
ALBUM ART: C
(NOTE: the wikipedia article I would normally reference for stuff like this seems to believe that there are interludes in certain spots. Either I own a version that stuck them on the end of other tracks, or I’m not seeing it. So this list doesn’t include them.)
1. Shinobi VS Dragon Ninja
This was the single from the album. One thing I’m going to spoil for you is this: get used to the idea of halfway decent, all be it simplistic riffs, being completely undercut by the mediocrity of everyone else. The opening guitar riffs, combined with the rythm get me hooked, but then the lead singer shows up, and I’ve suddenly lost interest.
2. The Fake Sound of Progress
Oh what the fuck, man? You remembered the space bar here, but not on the title? Well either way, it’s among the better tracks on the album. Considering the trend of albums from this era, I’m surprised they didn’t make this the single. It is, after all, track 2. They also named the album after it, so it’s got to be something worth while, right? It better be. According to the track list, it’s just a little over six minutes long.
3. Five is a Four Letter Word
I can’t remember if they made this a single, or if they just played this one on Music Choice’s rock channel a couple times back in the day. Either way, it’s probably my favorite off this album. And even then, it barely registers as a B on the scale. Not really sure what the title has to do with anything… Then again, I have no idea why the single on track 1 is called “Shinobi VS Dragon Ninja”. Get the feeling these guys just pick clever titles for the sake of sounding clever.
4. And She Told Me to Leave
Songs like this are exactly the thing guys like me will end up referencing when we accuse these guys of being Incubus ripoffs. Okay, maybe it doesn’t sound like any specific Incubus song, but it totally sounds like something they would write. Right up till the chorus, which then just sounds like something anybody from this era would’ve come up with. I am so bored with this song, and I’ve got three minutes and thirty more seconds to go!
Once again, it has an excellent start, but then we actually get into the song. Pretty soon, I realize we’re going to be flipping between two completely different songs. And I dislike it when bands do that. There’s mathematical precision, and then there’s stapling two songs together in a haphazardous mangle, hoping to god it fits together. Maybe I’m not listening to the words very closely, but I fail to see how the villains from the original Karate Kid factor into this.
6. The Handsome Life of Swing
The vocalist spends the majority of this song screaming his ass off… And yet, it’s still more appealing than listening to him attempt to sing. Again, it sounds like a product of its day, but I rarely consider that a bad thing all by itself.
7. A Thousand Apologies
Imagine my disappointment when I heard this beat, and then heard the lead vocalist decided to sing on this one. This would’ve been the perfect opportunity to bust a rhyme, yo! Oh well, what could’ve been, I guess.
8. Still Laughing
You may be still laughing, but man, I am so fucking bored right now. I literally went upstairs during the rest of this song to see what my little Russian blue mix is up to, and when I came down, I found out I still had one minute thirty seconds to go. Fuck this song.
9. For Sure
I don’t know if my patience for this album has officially hit rock bottom, or if this guy’s voice is at it’s most irritating in this song. All I know is I friggin’ hate this song.
Boy you want to talk awkward? This sounds very suspiciously like “Shinobi VS Dragon Ninja” in the beginning. I guess that’s why I gave it so much slack. Ugh, and there’s a whole other track on here I have to sit through. Why did I think this was a good idea?
11. Ode to Summer
Yeah, I take back what I said a couple tracks ago: this is where his voice is the most irritating. I love summer as much as the next guy, if not maybe a little more, but holy fucking hell I can’t wait for this album to be done!
OVERALL GRADE: D-
So that was the debut of LostProphets. I don’t recommend it. At all.
LostProphets would ultimately end up being a one-hit-wonder here in The States, but apparently, they were a lot more popular in their native Wales. Then the lead singer got a little…Molesty. Scratch that, he got ridiculously molesty. That, or Wales is a little more hardcore in their sentencing. All I know is a couple years ago, the guy was sentenced to THIRTY YEARS in prison for what he did. Either way, that ended up spelling the end of LostProphets.
I hope you enjoyed reading this review as you listened along with me. Lord knows listening to the entire album was a real fucking chore. Next week… No, next MONTH, I think I’m going to be talking about a band I love. The month of February, let’s just say I’ll be showing you how down with the sickness I truly am.