First of all, I’m well aware I’m getting to this pretty late. Without going into too much detail, it’s been a rough couple of weeks lately.

Second of all, my relationship with Static-X overall has been a real bipolar one. They had songs I liked, and songs I didn’t like. I had no strong opinion of them one way or the other in the grand scheme of things.

Yet Wayne Static and Static-X were a pretty generous part of my high school years. They had some decent radio play back in the day here in KC. Up until “Shadow Zone” came out, anyway. “Start a War” is one of the songs featured on WWE Smackdown VS Raw 2006: probably the last great WWE game ever made. Wayne Static even provided vocals for the soundtrack version of a song from The Queen of the Damned movie: a movie that really didn’t age very well, and some speculate it was never that great in the first place.

In other words, love ‘em or hate ‘em, Static-X were a part of my life.

And a couple days ago, I heard the news that Wayne Static had passed away. At the time, the cause of death had yet to be determined, but some were speculating drug overdose.

The future of Static-X is also uncertain… Or at least it was when I heard the news of Wayne’s passing. I would guess that this is probably the end of the band. On the other hand, the death of Dave Brockie hasn’t stopped Gwar from continuing down the beaten path, and Dave Brockie pretty much was Gwar when you looked into it. So I guess anything’s possible.

Regardless, Wayne Static will be missed.

I would like to think I don’t have to remind all two of my human readers, and all 7,382,811 of my spambot readers that I’m very fond of vampires. So I won’t.

I’m not entirely sure I’ve mentioned this, but in particular, I’m also quite fond of Dracula: one of the most famous vampires of all time. Really, though, that should come as no surprise. If someone asks “who would win in a fight: Dracula or Lestat?”, you answer Dracula, or you get the fuck off my property. Much like how in the question of “do you prefer David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar?”, you pick Roth. We’ll still be friends if you pick Hagar, honestly, but we probably won’t have a lot in common in terms of music. I’d say something about answering the third singer resulting in me unfriending you from life, but let’s face it, nobody remembers the Van-Extreme era. The fact I even remember that much is a miracle.

Wait, what was I talking about earlier? Oh yeah, Dracula! Dracula kicks ass. He’s become a bit of a cartoon character as of late (thanks a lot, Hotel Transylvania), but he’s still one of my all time favorites.

So when I heard a new Dracula movie was coming out… On one hand, I had a mixed reaction. On one hand, my inner fanboy geeked out tremendously. On the other hand… Well… Let’s just say I still remember how much I hated Dracula 2000. The soundtrack was pretty much the only redeemable quality of that album, and aside from a Taproot B-side and a Pantera song I’m pretty sure was written specifically for that movie, I’ve had no motivation to hang on to that soundtrack. Come to think of it, soundtracks in general, unless they’re film scores or tracks exclusively on that disk and unavailable everywhere else have fallen out of favor with me in recent years, but I digress. Long story short, I was excited, but I made it a point to keep my expectations low. And I think the fact I kept my expectations low going in is probably the only reason I don’t hate this movie as much as everyone else seems to.

Oh don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of things wrong with this movie. The fact it’s rated PG13 is probably the ultimate kiss of death, and for once, I’m not the only one who thinks so.

I also found it to be wicked predictable. The moment the first vampire strikes that deal with Vlad, you knew exactly what was going to happen. The moment the vampire told Vlad that he’d revert back to normal in three days unless he tasted human blood, you knew something was going to happen on day three, and you knew he was going to taste human blood. Partly because Dracula Untold is supposed to be a prequel, but mostly because this movie was a real paint-by-the-numbers affair from that point on. Hell, it might’ve even been that way the moment they introduced good ol’ Protovamp.

But in the long run, it’s less about the destination, and more about the trip. It’s a method of thought I’ve had to adapt to, what with the fact somebody has to constantly guess what’s going to happen next, and ends up being right ninety percent of the time. So predictability aside, was it good, or was it bad?

Honestly, the answer is somewhere in between. Yeah, it was predictable, there were no risks, and the fact PG13 means it’s going to be seriously tame. At the same time, though, I’ve seen worse. I’ve seen worse action movies, and I’ve seen worse Dracula movies. It’s not a work of art, but it’s far from the atrocities that used to come out of Hammer Studios. Seriously, Hammer is like Asylum, except at least with movies like Sharknado, you know it’s supposed to be bad.

I actually kind of thought the final battle between Dracula and… Uh… Random Turkish guy whose name escapes me at the moment, was pretty good. Scattering the floor with silver coins, wielding silver blades, covering your armor in silver etchings… This seems like it should be standard for any given vampire hunting organization. Assuming it isn’t a universe where silver has no effect, at which point forget about it, but still… Dracula, being a vampire, was pretty overpowered as a hero, and I think I’ve made it clear where I stand on the concept of invincibility once or twice. Specifically, with invincible heroes, there’s no urgency to the battle, and the bad guy’s efforts just feel like an exercise in futility. All the more reason I never liked Superman. Sure, you could poke holes in the whole silver everywhere strategy the bad guy used, like where the hell did he get silver etchings in such a short amount of time, and how the hell did he know vampires were weak against silver. But if you look past those flaws, it was a strategy that turned a potential ten-second massacre into a mostly fair fight.

Overall, however, I doubt I’ll be in any hurry to pick this up on DVD any time soon. Best case senario, it was a relatively fun way to kill an evening of boredom. And in the end, isn’t that all we really ask from Hollywood?

As far back as I can remember, Mortal Kombat has always been my favorite franchise. Even during the late 1990s, the era I personally call “the dark age of Mortal Kombat”, even during the monumental dud that ended up being Mortal Kombat Armageddon, and even after the absolute pointlessness of Mortal Kombat VS DC Universe, I love this franchise. I followed the series with the type of devotion most people save for Jesus. There was no god but Raiden. Oh yeah, and Fujin for that one year. I wonder why they never continued with that. You could’ve saved Raiden for Deception, and let Fujin actually earn his fucking keep as the new protectorate of Earthrealm for Deadly Alliance. I suppose hindsight is always 20-20, but after reacquainting myself with the games from the PS2 era, I find that there’s a lot of missed opportunities in Deadly Alliance. They could’ve used that tag team dynamic they used for Noob Smoke in Deception for The Deadly Alliance! They could’ve included Kai as Liu Kang’s replacement. Like I said, Fujin could actually earn his keep instead of Raiden deciding a couple years later “Yeah, I changed my mind. Being an elder god sucks. I’m taking this. Get your ass back to Edenia, windbag.” I seriously…

Wait a minute. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Emptying the Recycle Bin.

Many people who follow this series can probably guess where this is going. As a fan of Mortal Kombat, the Mortal Kombat universe has, and continues to influence my writing. Except back when i was about fourteen or so, it wasn’t nearly as subtle.

I don’t remember what the name of the series was, but it was a rip off of Mortal Kombat. Specifically, the movies. Yes, I said movies. Including that piece of shit Annihilation. Did I mention the late 1990s was the dark age?

There was a god, an evil sorcerer, a SWAT guy, a vain idiot, a martial artist… The only original thing in the entire series was probably the third and forth books, and that was only because I ran out of movies, and the games themselves were kind of all over the place with the plot. I mean sure, you could assume instantly that Liu Kang’s ending was the canon one, but what about the other guys? I didn’t know they were going to carry over Scorpion’s ending from MK4 until Deadly Alliance. I didn’t know Quan Chi’s creating a duplicate amulet and keeping the real one for himself was going to be canon. For all the good it ended up doing, I didn’t know Raiden ascending to elder god status was going to be canon, either. Hell, I was still scratching my head over how the fuck Goro came back from the dead!

The third book had a lot of Mortal Kombat 4 in it. Ah, Mortal Kombat 4. Remember when that one was the worst in the series? I strongly disagreed with that opinion, believing that the honor of worst in the series still belonged to Mythologies, but I’ve always been a bit of a contrarian I guess.

Book 4 was probably the most original out of the entire series. And by original, I mean that the new characters were rip offs of Dragon Ball Z characters instead of Mortal Kombat. Specifically, the main villain. I have no idea what I called him anymore, but it was very obviously Cell without that man-eating scorpion tale thingy.

Book 4, in all of its unoriginality, was also a bit of a milestone for me. I’m pretty sure this was the story that helped me get over my hangups over writing profanity. I wouldn’t get to the point of writing flat out erotica until I discovered fanfiction a couple years later, but the relationship between the resident lovers of the series had gotten a lot more… Affectionate, off camera. Pretty sure I mentioned something about a “bedspring synphony” in there somewhere for all it was worth.

Mile stones aside… Yeah, this Quadrillogy? Was horrible. I use it today as the basis for the fine line between pastiche and flat out plagiarism. Even as I was writing it, I doubt I had any serious intentions of letting this see the light of day. I was probably doing it as an exercise or something.

I hand this series of horrid nonsense over to the glorious orange god of failure. And as he takes it to the great redwood where I assume he’s buried all the other crap I’ve given him, I less-than-patiently await the arrival of Mortal Kombat X. Saving up for a PS4 is also a priority.

My reaction to hearing this song for the very first time could be summarized in two words: “The fuck?”

Being a person who has been very vocal on how he feels about Motley Crue, you might find it surprising that I actually like Sixx A.M. Is it really that outrageous? They sound way different than Motley. If anything, they kind of remind me of Alterbridge. You know, that band that used to be Creed? And sucked because it used to be Creed?

Sixx A.M. is the project of one Nikki Sixx. I’m not sure if he had any plans beyond the first album, “The Heroine Diaries”, or the book by the same name (I think), but here we are I guess. “The Heroine Diaries” album was pretty good. “This is going to Hurt” was also pretty good. This?

I heard this song for the first time, and I was more puzzled than anything else. Yeah, I’m always the guy who says it’s good to see a band experiment, but just because I’m in favor of experimenting doesn’t mean I instantly assume every experiment is going to work. This… This really doesn’t work.

I just can’t think of anything to type about this! It blows my mind! This is Sixx A.M.? Boy, next thing, you’re going to tell me Seether sounds like Queen, Rise Against, and Fallout Boy had a baby. Of course I know that’d never…

Oh god damn it! Well unfortunately, I’m somehow not sick of Seether. I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of weird-ass paradigm shift going on over there, though, but that’s beside the point.

Sixx A.M., however… Yeah, I hated this song the moment I heard it. I’m willing to give the new album as a whole the benefit of a doubt, but I got to say, I’m not impressed. This is pretty much Shinedown’s “Bully” all over again. Except here, we have the exact opposite of a cashin. We have a serious left turn at Albuquerque.

People who’ve read my blog know for a fact I have a real love-hate relationship with Nickelback. Where as most people seem to have a flat-out-hate relationship with them. Yeah, I bitched about “Dark Horse” being their absolute worst album ever, but when you’ve written the worst album you can possibly write, there’s nowhere to go but up, right? Or if you’re a band like Buckcherry, there’s the possibility they’ll maintain the status quo I guess, but Nickelback’s 2011 album was actually a step up. Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing I’ll be buying anytime soon, but “This Means War” was actually pretty good. “Bottoms Up” was kind of lame, but in a harmless way.

Then “Edge of a Revolution” hit the airwaves. Admittedly, it hasn’t been played into the pavement as of this writing, but I’m suspecting overplay is definitely on the horizon. Especially considering Nickleback ends up on all the alternative stations as well as the one rock station that plays anything past 1992 around here. People have actually called in and requested “that new Nickelback thing” once or twice! That tells me we’re in for some serious overplay.

Once again, this song is a tremendous step forward from “Something in Your Mouth”, or “Shaking Hands”. Then again, that’s kind of like saying eating sand is a step up from eating used kitty litter. Also, scratching a chalkboard sounds better than “Something in Your Mouth”.

Call me crazy, but it seems to me that the last people on Earth who have right to talk about American politics are a group of Canadian rockers. Seriously, as much as I hated George W. Bush back in the day, I still bitched out that Russell Bran guy for filling his standup full of Bush jokes on the basis he’s from England. You don’t even fucking live here! What the fuck do you know about the NSA or Occupy Wallstreet? Yeah, you read about it on whatever liberal or conservative or libertarian or whatever news blog, or saw a couple Youtube videos, but you really have no grasp of the cultural struggle till you’re actually amerced into it. Nickelback singing about American politics is like Weird Al parodying Canadian culture. Weird Al’s “Canadian Idiot” isn’t funny because it’s an American reciting tired old stereotypes about Canadians that we wouldn’t know exist in the first place if it weren’t for Bob and Doug MacKenzey. And Nickelback’s “Edge of a Revolution” sounds pretentious because they’re Canadians talking about something happening in America.

Sure, one could argue that the problems currently plaguing America effect a lot of other countries as well: inflation, recession, whatever currency losing any and all value, political darkmoney being used to buy politicians, etc. Fine. I’m willing to admit that some of these issues transcend America, and effect everybody. However, hearing Nickelback sing about them… Nickelback: a band who’s ultimate claims to fame are songs like “Rockstar”, “Photograph”, “How You Remind Me”, and “Too Bad” among countless others (some being better than others), is suddenly deciding to talk politics. I mentioned Green Day earlier, and it’s kind of ironic I have to bring them up again. Because when Green Day talked politics back in 2003-2004, it didn’t work for them either.

Again, this is not the worst song I’ve ever heard Nickelback wrote. Hell, if anyone else on the planet but Nickleback were playing it, it’d probably have more validity. Hellyeah’s “Blood for Blood” is a more valid slamming of “The 1%”, and Hellyeah has sucked forever! Nickelback’s attempt, meanwhile, just feels like yet another cashin.

Ladies and gentlemen, the honeymoon is over. I know back in, like, April or whatever, I said I didn’t mind The Pretty Reckless. Well, it’s amazing what three or four months of playing the same god damn song into the fucking ground will do to your opinion. Plus this isn’t the first time I’ve had a radical change of heart. It isn’t the first, and it won’t be the last.

I’ve already ranted about a lot of the things that annoys me about Tayler Momsen’s singing voice in this article, and a lot of it holds true now as well. There’s a lot more to complain about here than Momsen’s lethal case of Herbert’s Anomaly, however.

I hate the chorus of this song. I hear “Sex and love and gunfire, cigarette”, and all I can think is that the horrors of hashtag rap are finding their way into rock now as well.

If you don’t know what a hashtag is… Yeah, I don’t exactly know either. I know they’re a random cluster of words you put before a #, and somehow, this helps Twitter, and facebook as of 2013 find similar posts on the subject you just hashtagged. Except why the fuck would I want to read tweets from strangers? Or tweets from celebrities on my long list of people I want to punch in the face? And considering I end a few of my FB statuses with the hashtag “#FuckMyLife”, why on Earth would I want to read any of those other guys’ tweets or status updates or whatever? Because I have a feeling there’s a lot of suicide notes that end with that hashtag.

Hashtag rap is apparently a subgenre of rap where random words find their way at the end of verses. IE, “I’m a teach you to speak English. #RosettaStone” I have to take the word of rap and pop critics on the existence of this subgenre, but based on the examples they’ve shown, this is stupid. And a song like “Messed Up World” by The Pretty Reckless has me fearing that this is making its way into the rock scene. So I guess that chorus would read “Sex and love and gunfire. #Cigarette”

My opinion on The Pretty Reckless has also suffered pretty heavily after getting a look at the imagery in their music videos, and in their album art. I see this, and all I can think of is a bunch of idiots dancing around all “Ooh look at us! We’re using satanic imagery and devil worship in our songs and in our videos! Aren’t we the edgiest fucking band ever?” Call me a purist, but if you’re going to use devil imagery for the sake of having devil imagery, you aren’t welcome in my album collection. At least with a lot of the Norwegian black metal in my collection, there’s a point. Guys like Dimmu Borgir, Ghost, Cradle of Filth, Merciful Fate, and so on strike me as either legit satan worshippers, or at least as guys who did their fucking homework. Stuff like this just reminds me of pissant wannabes like Venom or Motley Crue who use it for the single solitary purpose of shock value. At which point, I have to ask The Pretty Reckless if they can hear me all the way back there in 1985.

In all seriousness, I have a feeling this is going to be one of those situations where I’m yelling at the walls angrily now, but in about five years, this band will disappear from the airwaves, and I’ll end up looking these guys up on Music Unlimited or a similar service wondering whatever happened to these guys. Hey, why not? It happened with Full Devil Jacket. It happened with The Hunger. It’s happening right now with Dragonlord. It’s more than possible.

And yes, I’m bitching right now, but it’s not because I legitimately hate this band. This one was actually one of the better songs on the album before it got overplayed like it has. Hashtag lyrics aside, it’s not especially bad. The video sucks, but I don’t even pay attention to videos anymore. I’m just really tired of this song is all.

And I’m sure someone’s going to come on here and yell at me about how I’m missing the point of all the devil imagery, and that it’s symbolic of this or that, but frankly, I just don’t care anymore. Literally every comment I’ve gotten over the summer has been nothing but spammers trying to sell me SEO. For spambots, these guys have actually been pretty persistent, too. Give it a rest! I’m not interested!

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Honeymoon’s over, Pretty Reckless has grown tiresome. Good day!

I am a tremendous fan of South Park. I’ve watched it since I was in fifth grade, sneaking episodes in on the basement TV whenever I could, and watching along side my mom when I got a little older, and the show itself got a little tamer. Actually, I don’t think South Park ever got tamer so much as I and the rest of Comedy Central’s viewer base just became desensitized to things like seeing fecal matter on television. They did give Sarah Silverman her own sitcom, after all. BA-ZING!

South Park is a long-lasting TV series with a ridiculous amount of memorable moments, songs, characters, and at this point, it even has eras. It’s also released a really good movie, a christmas album… And a generous handful of some of the worst video games ever.

South Park for the Nintendo64 was basically Turok with South Park characters. And the Turok franchise was one that somehow managed to get worse with every new game. Seriously, just when they fixed issues with the old game, new issues popped up. I’m genuinely amazed I even bothered with Turok 3 after how disappointed I was in Turok and Turok 2.

South Park Rally wasn’t any better. A racing game with South Park characters sounds pretty sweet… Right up until you hear how it’s played. I forget who developed South Park Rally, but they were clearly trying to reinvent the wheel when it came to racing games. For fuck sakes, guys, just have them do three laps, and whoever finishes first wins! But no, we have to have a trophy that needs to be carried throughout the entire race. As memory serves, you could finish last, and still end up winning the race because you’re the one holding on to the trophy at the end. Inversely, you could finish first, and still lose the fucking race because the guy in second or further back has the trophy. And apparently, we couldn’t have traditional god damn racing tracks, either. Okay, I get that simple circle and square shapes are boring. I don’t mind a whole lot of twists and turns, but when the entire fucking town is the track, and I have to drive to specific points that are indicated to me during the mayor’s tutorial, we’ve got a problem. The multiplayer was probably the only thing even remotely fun in South Park Rally, and even then, I never had anybody around who wanted to play until well after the Nintendo64 was rendered obsolete.

There’s other South Park games out there, but I haven’t played those. However, I’m assured by reliable sources that they’re just as bad.

So yeah, long story short, South Park has had a serious history with bad games. So when I saw that they were releasing yet another South Park Game for PS3 and Xbox, I was skeptical. Apparently, one of the studios who worked on this game was also involved with Alpha Protocol, and just in case you’re new here, I ended up despising that game after a while as well.

South Park: The Stick of Truth is the first official South Park RPG. I’m assuming it picks up immediately after South Park’s “Song of Ass and Fire” Black Friday parody thing, what with the fact we see Princess Kenny and all. It’s probably because I’m a George R. R. Martin fan, or maybe it’s because I don’t have the patience for three-parters like I used to. I’ve kind of found that aside from Mysterion VS Cthulhu, South Park’s three-parted episodes are kind of a chore to sit through. And the Black Friday thing was honestly no exception to the rule.

But suppose you don’t care. Suppose you find out South Park is trying their hand at making an RPG, and you can’t help but think that nothing but good things will come from this. Yeah, prepare to be disappointed.

I’ll give the game credit where credit is do: it looks and feels like an episode of South Park. Rather than go the 3D route the shit games for the N64 went, the developers of this game decided to replicate the classic paper cutout style that is South Park’s trademark. Add on the fact everyone from the series reprises their roles as their respective characters, and everything is golden as far as presentation goes.

I probably should’ve stated this in the beginning, but I’m not especially huge on RPGs. I did like the Shadow Hearts franchise back in the day… Or rather, I liked the first one, and never got around to playing the other two despite really wanting to, but I liked it. I’ve attempted some other RPGs, and have had a varying rate of enjoyment. I’m really more of a fighting game kind of guy, or a beat-em-up game kind of guy, or hell, even a puzzle game kind of guy as long as the puzzle isn’t ridiculously absurd to the point of needing a fucking calculus degree.

In South Park: The Stick of Truth, you can create your own South Park character, and subject him to an adventure they’ll never forget along side Cartman, Butters, Kenny, and other delightful characters. You can even name your character, but get used to everyone calling you Douchebag. Assuming we were operating under Japanese rules, I decided to make my character as effeminate and idiotic looking as possible. Because as every Final Fantasy game since 10 has taught me, the girliest, stupiddest, and most annoying character ends up being the hero of the story. Not entirely sure why, other than Japan is fucking confusing, but whatever.

The combat system in South Park: The Stick of Truth reminds me a lot of Paper Mario. Unfortunately, it’s not without its problems. The biggest one being that you have to keep attacking, even after the opponent has been beaten during your turn, or else it doesn’t count.

The thing I really found annoying about the game, though, was the attempts at puzzle solving elements. Which basically degenerates into shoot everything in the background until something happens for me. It’s because of this that I have to follow a walkthrough word for word if I want to get anywhere in this game. I do enjoy an occasional puzzle every now and then, but if I need to have my laptop open and with a walkthrough present every time I get to a new portion of the game, then I’m not having fun. Yeah, I’ve needed walkthroughs in the past, but not nearly as much as I’ve needed them for this one.

The controls for the fart magic are also a real pain in the ass. Seriously, farting shouldn’t be this hard. In real life as well as in video games. When Boogerman has the superior fart controls, you may want to reconsider your design. Then again, the fact you even have fart controls in the first place is probably something to meditate on.

And of course, there’s the menus. I don’t mind the ones that let me equip my character with things, but that’s the only one. I got to hold down L1 and R1 respectively to switch between types of farts and companion actions, I have menus to swop companions, I have menus for other things… I even have a menu that shows me what all the characters are posting to Facebook! And much like the real life Facebook, I don’t see a practical use for any of this. Of course I say that, knowing full well my book series has a fan page there.

Do things really need to be this tedious? My fart abilities seem to be mapped to my right analogue stick, so how about I just move the analogue stick a certain direction to perform this type of fart? The only thing keeping me from recommending removing Facebook is the fact it does have something to do with a side quest, but still…

Overall, it’s about twenty steps forward from the N64 days, but still manages to go about three or four steps back afterward. I suppose you could’ve done a lot worse, but I find this game to be more of a headache than anything else. Plus in this day and age, if I really want to see an RPG’s story without dealing with the gameplay, I can just look up some dude’s Let’s Play on Youtube.

Hey there, Remember me? I used to upload reviews and shit to this blog.

I’m not going to lie to you, reader: 2014 is pretty much ending up on my shitlist. More specifically, the summer of 2014.

Everything that could possibly go wrong in my life pretty much did this summer.

  • I believe I already mentioned my computer problems on here. So I won’t bore you with a repeat. Still, I’m counting it.
  • The transportation service I’d been using for around two years turned in their two-weeks-notice in June. To hear it from them, management went through some changes, and they were needing more people to work in the offices. By reassigning some drivers to cubicles, they ended up losing a lot of their drivers, and crippled their ability to handle “spontaneous clients”. And seeing as how I never have a consistent schedule, I was probably among some of the absolute most spontaneous they had. So a lot of my summer was spent either finding a new service, or a new job that was significantly closer to where I’m living. Sadly, the former ended up pulling through, and the rate I’m going, I practically work for fucking free at the moment because I spend just about as much as I make to get to work. I’m just lucky the other person living here deals with the groceries, but the bills this month are going to be… Interesting.
  • Also in June, I ended up injuring my hand. Long story short, a misplaced pallet came crashing down on my hand, and caused a little nerve damage in my fingers. It made typing a very awkward experience, but everything’s pretty much healed up now. Interesting note: the doctor who looked at my X-ray mused that it looked like I had broken my middle finger before. I’ve never broken any of my fingers in my entire life. Weird.
  • In July, I ended up breaking a new record. I had not one, not two, but four cavities in my back teeth. Worse than that, I ended up spending $1,500 on it all! This was money I was going to use to promote Jade Blade Legacy at some book fairs, but I only ended up registering for one before this whopper fell in my lap. I’m still paying it off to this very day. Oh, and first commentor to remind me that I need my teeth, I’m punching you in the mouth, and claiming any of your teeth that fall out as backups for mine. That, or I’ll just make a necklace.
  • My favorite gym, the very place that I’ve been going to since 2009, is officially closed. My enthusiasm for boxing and MMA has died down significantly compared to when I started this blog, but I still loved my sparring sessions. The only real positive to the gym being closed is that the money I spent on said sparring sessions is officially going towards my bills, my transportation, and my insane dentist bill.
  • I pretty much gave up on my latest side project getting published. I got to the partial stage, which I haven’t seen since 2011, but they turned it down. In fact, I’m pretty much at a point where I’m just flat out disenchanted with the publishing industry as a whole. Fuckers won’t give me the time of day, but the fucker who wrote that generic waste of paper Divergent gets a fucking movie. “Egads, this girl is an individual! She doesn’t fit in any of our preordained groups! She will destroy us with her individuality! Did we mention she’s an individual? Because it’s very important you know she’s an individual!” Okay, I’m probably being a lot more harsh than I should. After all, I’ve only seen the trailer, and read a plot synopsis of the book on Wikipedia. For all I know, it’s well written and worth the effort. Or maybe it’s another hack-writing job where everything’s in the present fucking tense and predictable as fuck even if you didn’t spoil everything for yourself ahead of time. Whatever: I’m way more interested in Zoe Ferraris’ Saudi Arabian murder mysteries lately. And I’m too fucking annoyed to bother with writing anything beyond Jade Blade Legacy, because what’s the fucking point? New agents, established agents, agents with openings on their client list, it doesn’t matter: I’m not worth their time, and I’ve wasted around five years of my fucking life trying to get something published. I probably could’ve found a girlfriend who can actually see past the whole handicapped thing in the time it’s taken to get this far.

    Between all of that, and coping with yet another summer of fucking hot trailers at work, I’ve just felt so… Honestly, I don’t know what to call it. It’s some bizarre combination of insomnia, and being bummed out about nothing in general. I mean yeah, between the fact everything in my life clearly chose to fall to fucking pieces all at once this summer, and the fact yet another childhood hero of mine passed away this week, I got plenty of legit reasons to be all mopy, but I never seem to gravitate to any of them. I’m bummed out because I’m tired, and I’m tired because I’m bummed out. I’m pretty sure somewhere down the line, I had another “Dear lord, I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve done nothing with my life” moment. The moment where you can’t convince me I’m doing okay. You can point out that I graduated college, found a job in one of the shittest economies in recent memory, have a book series published and available for purchase on Amazon.com, and even managed to have sex that one time, but I’m never going to see myself as even a moderately successful person. It probably doesn’t help that my friends have retreated into an era of complacency and childhood nostalgia in between viewings of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Seriously, you people are nearly thirty, and you’re watching a cartoon for fucking seven-year-old girls. I’m sorry, but I’m never going to get over this. By this logic, G.I. Joe’s probably got a lot of thirty-year-old women watching pretty intently.

    Long story short, this summer has kicked my ass. And honestly, I’d be lying if I said I’ve made a full recovery from it all. I don’t know how frequently I’m going to be updating this blog in the upcoming weeks. I have a project or two in mind, and I may put WITCP on the shelf indefinitely as a result of it. Depends on if it takes off or not. For now, though, all you need to know is that I haven’t given up on you, dear reader. Have faith in me, and I swear, I’ll give you new content. Maybe.

    Thank you for your distinct lack of interest. Be sure not to tune in next time for another poorly spelled waste of time and effort written up at around 3:00 in the morning.

  • I’ve actually been debating including this song on my SISOH list since I first started this series. Coming down to the bottom of my list on a more regular basis than when I started, though, I find the debate is a lot more intense than when I had a good twenty or thirty songs ahead of it. I probably could’ve done what I did with Black Oxygen, and label it as more of a rant review sort of thing than a traditional SISOH article, but I guess as long as it’s a Monday…

    This is pretty much the only Seven Mary Three song they ever play out here in KC. Whether or not they’re one hit wonders, or if 7M3 is getting the Megadeth treatment of only having one song on the radio for no explainable reason… Well in the case of Megadeth, I think it has to do with KC being Metallica country, but for 7M3, who knows? All I know is this appears to be the only song of theirs they ever wrote that went anywhere. And if this is truly the case… Honestly, it’s not hard to see why.

    I suppose the instrumental is okay. Pretty standard 90s affair as far as I can tell. The real hell comes when the singer decides to start laying down some verses.

    Good fucking lord, this guy is terrible! First of all, his singing voice has an accent that I can only describe as hilarious. I can almost make out what he’s saying, but you get distracted for a split second, and suddenly, it’s nothing but a bunch of “Wah wah woo wah-wee wahwah weer wah-weer wah weer-her!” sort of noises.

    Just to make sure I was hearing right, I paid a visit to azlyrics.com. “She calls me Goliath, and I wear the David mask” is probably one of the stupiddest attempts at symbolism I’d ever heard. Right up until Train came along with that “2-ply hefty bag full of love” or whatever, but I digress. I suppose everything else lyric wise is okay, but there’s just something about that one verse that cracks me up.

    Long story short, it’s not a very good song. Best case senario, it aged poorly. Worst case senario, it was a classic “WTF, Billboard top 100″ type moment.

    And yet, for reasons I’ll never be able to explain, I love this song. Which is the main reason I’ve been debating including it here for so long. There’s definitely stuff wrong with it, but somehow, I’m not really sick of it. I’d say at best, this is where the category “guilty pleasure” comes in. Seven Mary Three is right up there with Rob Zombie movies and that Clarence show in terms of stuff I probably shouldn’t be proud of admitting out loud I like, but here I am.

    So yeah, make of this what you will. I guess this is an honorary induction or something. Next time, I’ll definitely include something I’m genuinely sick of.

    I have to admit, when I started SISOH all those years ago, I never would’ve imagined a jingle for Diet Coke would end up on my list. Then again, I also can’t remember the last time a commercial left any type of impression on me that wasn’t for a TV show or a movie. For better or for worse, commercials just don’t effect me anymore. I’ve long since learned how to tune them out. Barring that, I’ve learned that commercial time is usually a good time to check my email, or my Facebook, or even see what little Ms. Russian blue mix is up to.

    And then this appeared on the airwaves. Suddenly, I can say that a commercial for Diet Coke actually got a reaction out of me. And that reaction was somewhere along the lines of “Whew boy this sucks!”

    I have a really good feeling that this is supposed to be a parody of something. Unfortunately, I can’t tell what it’s supposed to be a parody of. I’m guessing some pop act from the 1980s? I’m not a pop expert, guys. I mean yeah, I drink soda, but in terms of music, I’m not a pop expert.

    Then there’s the subject of the song. Diet Coke: the worst soda ever made. Then again, it seems like the entire concept of diet soda is fucking horrible. Diet Pepsi is awful, Diet Coke is awful, and Diet Dr. Pepper… I don’t care what the commercials say: I can totally tell it tastes like diet. Also, diet soda doesn’t make you more manly. It’s cute that Dr. Pepper 10 is trying to convince us otherwise, but I imagine the male gender will know better after one can of that swill.

    So yeah, sucky song + sucky project = no business from me. And if that were all there were to it, I’d have left it alone and probably bitched about 5 Finger Death Punch again or something. But no, this commercial has to be everywhere.

    With annoying songs, you can guarantee that certain stations won’t play them. Tired of Halestorm? Switch over to an alternative station. Sick of Mumford and Son? Switch over to a rock station. That’s usually the remedy in review.

    However, we’re not dealing with a simple song. We’re dealing with a jingle: a mindless song written by market execs with the soul intent of mesmerizing you into buying everything they tell you. Jingles transcend demographics, they appear on every radio station or TV station imaginable, and a few of them just won’t go away no matter how many times you threaten your brain with that icepick. Twenty years later, I still remember the jingle for Mr. Bucket. That’s just how powerful the jingle truly is.

    You know, come to think of it, the fact I’ve gone out of my way to write about this jingle has probably helped to immortalize it. The fact I have any sort of reaction is telling the execs at Coke that we need more of this. Shit. Oh well, the damage is done, and my opinion is out in the ether of the internet for a grand total of two people to read.